Funny chess.com forum discussions

peterk1

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Chess players tend to be smart and witty (and smartypantsy) and as a result, there are some wonderfully amusing discussions on the chess.com forums. This one had me laughing a few minutes ago....not quite at ROFL strength but close...

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/need-a-free-online-chess-coach?page=3

Highlights here....

Hey everyone,
I am in need of a free chess.com chess coach who can tell me what my skill level is and show me what I need to know. This would improve my chess greatly. Send me a private message if you are interested.
Thank you,
Captainaku1

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Hey, while all you altruistic types are paying attention, I need someone to put a new roof on my house for free. This would improve my house greatly!

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Do not give away your pieces for free.

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Always play the best move available to you.

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No I really need a chess coach not just random tips that I already know. So please private message me if you are willing to coach me.

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though I am not an official chess coach, I will teach you all of the serious chess I know, mainly because I am trying to be as kind as possible, but also the best way to learn is to teach, just send me a message letting me know if you accept

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I was going to take on this challenge until i saw this...
Timeouts: 47% (last 90 days)

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I know that really was by accident. I forgot to turn vacation time on when I went on vacation. Jetfighter I accept your kind offer. I sent you a private message.

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Be prepared to spend the next 10000 hours reviewing tactics, playing safe chess, studying books by people with far too many consonants in their names and asking every week or two if you're ready to beat a GM now.

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So, if I restrict all my games to be played only inside of safes, I will improve?

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Questions like these are the reason why the demand for free coaching is so high.

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The supply side must be pretty deep as well to keep those prices in check.

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Anybody who knows how to play chess can be considered a "coach". The supply is unlimited.

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Cheap advice is often wrong.

it does not get any "cheaper" than free.

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i never understood people who can say that any free advice is bad, you just gave some free advice on not taking free advice because it is often bad, and that is good advice, so you disproved your point

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no one said free advice is bad in this forum, merely that it may often be wrong. and no one told him not to take free advice, even if it may often be wrong.

there is a difference between what I posted and your "translation" into something else.

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true, but you said that cheap is more often than not wrong, and you cant get any cheaper than free

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that is not saying that all free coaching is "bad", that was your translation of what I posted.

there is a difference.

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What's all this arguing about?

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Reading comprehension.

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I am an above-average player and would be willing to give free lessons to you or anyone else. I just joined chess.com, but my rating approximation would be about 1900 - 2300 for all levels. Just pm me if you would like lessons. I enjoy rafting because it helps me learn.

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How can u have a rating between 1900 and 2300, that is a huge differene in playing strength

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Zakhartsov wrote:
I enjoy rafting because it helps me learn.

Did anyone else find this addendum kinda puzzling?

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Hey, leave him alone! He enjoys rafting!

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It's 1900 - 2300 for different types of chess. Bullet is like 1900, blitz and standard are closer to 2300. It's not one type of chess. That is a tremendous difference is ability. I am new to bullet and I struggle with time. ********I am not good at coaching bullet, if you would like bullet lessons, pm me. I can give you the name of a good coach!*****

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I don't really want to learn bullet.

...
 

peterk1

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This one's a little risque. Highlight is the chessboard with non-orthodox starting position on page 2 and the comment which follows right after it...

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/tournaments/queer-chess?page=2

Highlights:

Hi all players around the world i d love to play with soöe gay guys froö Berlin anyone around?that could be so cool to meet and play real

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Gay German chess players? Interesting night in the forums!Laughing

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I totally missed out on the god thread. But this one looks like fun.

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I think I saw a lesbian lurking somewhere.
Doesn't probably help though...

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Gay? German?
They're a pretty unsmiling bunch. I think you'd have more luck in your search if you looked for a dour Dane.

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A gay friend of mine once suggested that we play chess, and that [This is a family site. This was inappropriate--mod.]. Although I'm a much better player, I declined due to my heterosexuality.

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Wuss!
 

peterk1

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Slightly amusing.
A new player is testing the theory that openings are not that important. To verify his hypothesis, he is using the same horrendous opening against everyone he plays, white or black, and is now challenging players rated way higher than him to see if they can break it.

The signature move is the imaginative and innovative Ke2 on the 2nd move.

1. e4 2. e5
2. Ke2 ....

Simultaneously surrenders the right to castle as well as making the king more vulnerable (it's begging for a nice white bishop check that wins the queen, but this guy doesn't seem to mind losing his queen).

Should we call it the Suicide Opening?
Or maybe the Divorce Opening because it sort of looks like the King can't stand being next to the queen any more and he just wants to get out of the marriage as quick as possible surrendering his house in the process. To be fair he often flips the king across the chasm to the queenside in midgame to simulate a queenside castle, so perhaps the marriage gets saved in the end.

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/chess-openings/are-openings-really-important-i-dont-think-so-after-i-won-this?ncc=4#first_new_comment

The games are quite funny. I'd love to find opponents like those.
 

peterk1

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Now this is the proper way to decline a draw offer

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/the-sofia-rules

Years ago, the late NM Marvin "Marvelous Marv the Magician" Winfree was playing a slightly better ending against a weaker player. This was in the days before sudden death time controls, and the game had gone into the third time control. The weaker player began offering a draw with every move. At first, Marv declined the offers. After a few of them, he began to ignore them. When they still continued, he finally replied to one by staring the guy in the eye and saying, "I'm going to . . . grind . . . you . . . down!" And he proceeded to do just that, too!
 

peterk1

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Now I've seen it all.

We all know that some people use computers to help themselves avoid blunders in on-line chess and it's frowned upon but there's no real good way to detect it. This fellow took it one step further. He created an account trying to impersonate one of the Chess.com computer levels. The lowest real level is Easy...he decided to be Very Easy. Looks like he got away with it until he resigned one game after two moves and someone got suspicious.

http://www.chess.com/forum/view/general/what-happened3?ncc=2#first_new_comment
 
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