The Italian Supply Depot Sketch

[Tuomo]

Dug out of the email vault. Original author is Dave Schipani, original date (I think) is Dec 15, 2000 (!!!)



The Italian Supply Depot Sketch (with apologies to John Cleese and Michael Palin)


[Scene: an Italian supply depot in East Africa]


CAPTAIN: Good morning, Sergeant.

SUPPLY SERGEANT: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Supply Depot.

CAPTAIN: Ah, thank you, my good man.

SERGEANT: What can I do for you, Sir?

CAPTAIN: Well, we're in a bit of a tussle with the Tommies, and suddenly
we felt a bit ammunition-deficient, so I curtailed our tactical
activities, sallied forth, and "infiltrated" your place of re-supply to
negotiate the issuance of some fiery combustibles.

SERGEANT: Come again?

CAPTAIN: I want to get some bullets.

SERGEANT: Oh, I thought you were complaining about a bazooka firer!

CAPTAIN: Oh, heaven forbid. The Americans haven't entered the war yet.

SERGEANT: Ah, yes. And what kind of ammo would you like?

CAPTAIN: Well, how about a little 6.5mm Carcano?

SERGEANT: I'm afraid we're fresh out of 6.5mm Carcano, Sir.

CAPTAIN: Oh, well, never mind, how are you on 8mm Breda?

SERGEANT: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Sir, we
get it fresh on Monday.

CAPTAIN: Tish, tish, no matter. Well, stout yeoman, forty bandoliers of
7.35mm M38, if you please.

SERGEANT: Ah! It's been on order, Sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it
this morning.

CAPTAIN: It's not my lucky day, is it? Ah, 81mm?

SERGEANT: Sorry, Sir.

CAPTAIN: 9mm Corto?

SERGEANT: Normally, Sir, yes. Today the truck broke down.

CAPTAIN: Ah, 20mm?

SERGEANT: Sorry.

CAPTAIN: Any 9mm Glisenti, perchance?

SERGEANT: No.

CAPTAIN: 37mm...?

SERGEANT: No.

CAPTAIN: 65mm...?

SERGEANT: No.

CAPTAIN: 47mm, 75mm...?

SERGEANT: No.

CAPTAIN: 7.65mm...?

SERGEANT: No.

CAPTAIN: 7.35mm Breda, perhaps...?

SERGEANT: Ah! We have 7.35mm Breda, yes, Sir!

CAPTAIN: (surprised) You do! Excellent!

SERGEANT: Yessir! It's, ah, it's a bit tarnished...

CAPTAIN: Oh, I don't mind it tarnished.

SERGEANT: Well, it's very green, actually, Sir.

CAPTAIN: No matter. Fetch hither le munizioni di Bella Breda!

SERGEANT: I think it's a bit more corroded than you'll like it, Sir.

CAPTAIN: I don't care how excrementally corroded it is, hand it over
with all speed.
SERGEANT: (looking) Ooooooooooh...

CAPTAIN: What now?

SERGEANT: The Ethiopians have stolen it.

CAPTAIN: Have they...

(pause)

CAPTAIN: You do HAVE some ammunition, don't you?

SERGEANT: Of course, Sir. It's a supply depot. We've got...

CAPTAIN: No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess.

SERGEANT: Fair enough.

CAPTAIN: 45mm Brixia?

SERGEANT: Yes?

CAPTAIN: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

SERGEANT: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, Sir. Sergeant Brixia,
that's my name.

CAPTAIN: Hmm...70mm?

SERGEANT: Not today, Sir, no.

(pause)

CAPTAIN: All right, then, what about 9mm Parabellum?

SERGEANT: Well, we don't get much call for it around these parts, Sir.

CAPTAIN: (astonished) Not much call?!? It's the single most popular
military cartridge in the world!

SERGEANT: Not 'round here, Sir.

CAPTAIN: And what IS the most popular cartridge 'round here?

SERGEANT: 13.2mm Breda, Sir.

CAPTAIN: Is it.

SERGEANT: Our number one best seller!

CAPTAIN: Is it.

SERGEANT: Quite staggeringly popular, Sir!

CAPTAIN: I see... 13.2mm Breda, eh?

SERGEANT: Right, Sir.

CAPTAIN: All right. Okay. "Have you got any 13.2mm Breda?" he asked,
expecting the answer, "no".

SERGEANT: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

(pause)

CAPTAIN: It's not much of a supply depot, is it?

SERGEANT: Finest in the theater!

CAPTAIN: Really. Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

SERGEANT: It's so clean, Sir!

CAPTAIN: Well, it's certainly uncontaminated by ammunition...

SERGEANT: (brightly) You haven't asked me about 7.7mm, Sir!

CAPTAIN: Would it be worth it?

SERGEANT: Could be....

CAPTAIN: (slowly) Have you got any 7.7mm?

SERGEANT: No.

CAPTAIN: Figures. Predictable, really, I suppose. It was an act of
purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell
me...

SERGEANT: Yes, Sir?

CAPTAIN: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any ammunition here at all?
And if you say "no", I shall shoot you through the head.

SERGEANT: (pause) Yes.

CAPTAIN: Really?

SERGEANT: No.

CAPTAIN: (raises gun)

SERGEANT: I surrender!

CAPTAIN: (drops gun, raises hands) Me, too!

[cut to naked Terry Jones playing organ]

-Dave "spam spam spam spam" Schipani-

 

[Tuomo]

If Dave Schipani ever shows up here again, we'll have to work out a way to transfer all these Likes to him. I do believe his post won the Spuddy Award for Best Post that year.

 

[Michael Dorosh]

When I worked in my unit's clothing stores, it was very clear to everyone concerned that the more I issued, the smaller my inventory, so naturally we avoided the former in favour of the latter.

 

[Old Noob]

Ahh, the supply depot. The more THEY have, the less you get. Or they pull the "Item N/A" ploy.

 

['Ol Fezziwig]

If Dave Schipani ever shows up here again, we'll have to work out a way to transfer all these Likes to him. I do believe his post won the Spuddy Award for Best Post that year.

Schip was a classic SOB. I miss him terribly.

 

[GeorgeBates]

Classic. I recall an IIFT post that brought down the house, as well.

Any of our Maine friends know what happened to Schipyard?

 

[JoeArthur]

Reading a book on the desert war and the Italians had a "push" system for supplies. Everyone else had a "pull" system.

A "pull" system - supplies are sent to the units that request them. A "push" system - supplies are sent to where the quatermasters think they are required.

One of the results of this - some Italian units were afraid to move, because if they did, they might not be supplied.

You had to laugh at that one..............

 

[Eagle4ty]

Reading a book on the desert war and the Italians had a "push" system for supplies. Everyone else had a "pull" system.

A "pull" system - supplies are sent to the units that request them. A "push" system - supplies are sent to where the quatermasters think they are required.

One of the results of this - some Italian units were afraid to move, because if they did, they might not be supplied.

You had to laugh at that one..............

I guess it does explain their 1940 "blitz" into Egypt somewhat.

 

[footsteps]

 

[The Purist]

I guess it does explain their 1940 "blitz" into Egypt somewhat.

Lack of trucks to move supplies, actually. It did contain the equivalent of seven divisions. Believe it or not, a large portion of Italian rations was pasta,.... rather water intensive mess requirement.

 

[Old Noob]

The main problem was the trucks were used to move the higher-ranking officers personal effects to camp. And little actually needed ammunition.

 

[The Purist]

Well, to be fair,....all kit was moved by trucks. Trucks were needed for baggage, for guns, for ammunition, water, food, fuel, oil lubricants. The small L3/35s were even loaded on trucks for some moves to spare their engines and tracks.

Officer's personal kit would have been a drop in the bucket.

 

[GeorgeBates]

Officer's personal kit would have been a drop in the bucket.

Find room for my valise on the truck, Corporal.