Sith Wars, Continued

The Coil

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Some backstory, for those who need it:

A short, short time ago, in a forum not so far away, three and a half Sith (Sith Lord McIvan, Sith Lord Leto, Sith Lord Trollvela, and Sith Apprentice Coil) challenged seventeen or so (I lost count) Jedi in a fight to the death. The kicker - each Jedi would not know who his Sith opponent was until the end of the battle. They might have to fight the terrible Sith Lord McIvan, or they might get the pleasure of pummeling the sense out of a relative softie (ok, an absolute softie) like Sith Apprentice Coil.

Apparently, one of the Sith forgot to pay the rent last month, because the Sith were evicted from their old home, and so, like the pathetic squatters they are, have set up shop to continue the thread here. We'd tell you to go read the old thread to catch yourself up, because it was 20 pages of the funniest stuff you've ever read, garnering a staggering 6000 views even though the tournament wasn't even half over, but apparently somebody deleted it by accident (at least, we assume it was by accident, because otherwise we'd have to assume someone did it just out of the sheer meanness of their hearts, and we Sith don't like to make uncharitable assumptions like that). But fear not, the mirth and fun shall continue here unabated!
 

The Coil

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We shall pick up our story with a brief recap of where it ended:

A SECRET REPORT FROM WITH THE (Sith) GUILD

Scene: A long, dark room lit by a single candle (um...and also by a fireplace). Shadows flicker and play across the large table in the middle of the room. There are three large and ornate chairs behind the table, each with a plaque on the back. The one on the left reads "Sith Lord Trollvela", the one on the right reads "Sith Lord Leto", and the one in the middle, on the largest chair, reads "Sith Lord McIvan". A keen-eyed observer would spot a fourth chair at the table, much smaller than the others. Closer inspection reveals it to be a highchair. On the back of it, crudely scrawled in crayon, are the words "Sisy Lurd Koyl". A small idol, a likeness of the eldritch demi-god Elo, rests in the center of the table, with burnt taco crumbs scattered round. On the table next to the idol lay two dolls, obviously handcrafted by someone of dubious sewing ability, one crudely depicting a monkey, the other some sort of otherworldy beast. Scores of pins protrude from the dolls at all angles. Resting next to the dolls is a fancy certificate done in gold leaf and calligraphy. Across the top in bold letters the certificate reads "Sith Tournament Champion", but the space beneath that proclaims "Winner" is glaringly blank.

An eerie silence envelopes the room, broken only by the sound of distant footfalls, gradually coming closer. Soon, the lone door of the room creaks open, and a figure slips nervously into the room. The man holds a tray on which sit three steaming cups of tea, which rattle slightly in the man's trembling hand. In his belt is jammed a lightsaber, which incongruously sports a cork on the end of it. From his pocket protrude two paperback books, one a thesaurus, the other a well-worn copy of von Linden's "How to Win Arguments by Sticking to Actual Facts". The candlelight reveals the intruder to be about 6 feet tall, athletically built, clever, intelligent, well-liked, possessed of an eerie poise, and yet devilishly handsome.

Suddenly, the man's quavering voice breaks the silence. "Sith Lord McIvan?" More silence. "Sith Lord Trollvela? Sith Lord Leto? Hello?" His voice fades away into the darkness and gets no reply. He walks up to the table and sets down the tray, the straightens up and calls again, a bit more boldly this time, "Leto? Trollvela? McIvan?" Still no response. The figure probes the shadows with his eyes, as if to make sure nobody is hiding deep in a corner. His confidence that he is alone building, he walks around the table. As he passes the fourth chair, the high chair, he shoves it over. It hits the ground with a loud clatter. The figure, much bolder now, reaches the middle chair, the largest one. He pulls it out from the table, and with a last furtive glance over his shoulder slides into in.

It fits him well, the figure thinks. Much more comfortable than that other chair. "Excellent," he thinks, "this has worked out well." He settles back in the chair, a contented smile crossing his face. Suddenly, he sits back upright - a thought has occurred to him. He roots around in his pockets for a second and emerges with the broken nub of a crayon. He reaches across the table and grabs the certificate, the blank space in the middle of it next to the word "Winner" seeming to call out to him, to draw him in. He pauses for a moment, just a moment, and then slowly, laboriously writes four crude letters across the blank space: K - O - Y - L. "Yes, this has worked out very well indeed," whispers the figure, who then drifts off to sleep, his head resting on the table in a puddle his own drool, murmuring sleepily to himself "Lowenstein...Lowenstein...Lowen..."
 
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The Coil

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Sith 7, Jedi 2

Like moderators presiding over the wreckage of a failed forum, the Sith stand over the ruins of the Queen's Palace in Naboo, as Der Kuenstler becomes the seventh victim of the Sith, losing in a hard fought battle with Sith Master McIvan.

 

The Coil

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Not that we're trying to start a poetry contest or anything, but the Sith received this anonymous submission yesterday, and it so touched the heart of the Sith, they thought they'd reprint it here:

> The Lonely Lord of the Sith.
>
> Sith Lord Coil sat alone,
> High atop the Sithy throne.
>
> Burning lanterns flickered forms,
> Shadows loomed across the forum.
>
> "Victory!" A word passed through parched lips,
> "Now I am Master of the House of Sith!"
>
> Hallowed halls and barren walls,
> Echoed with his hollow call.
>
> A spindly spine supported his hawkish stance,
> As he scanned the room with a slit-eyed glance.
>
> But his penetrating gaze was not returned,
> As all other Sith has been thus purged.
>
> So Sith Lord Coil sat alone,
> With paper crown atop his dome,
> Free to rule his empty home.
 

Mikey_PNB

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Howdy Coil!

I'm appalled that your 20 page, throughly enjoyable, completely nonthreatening Sith Wars forum topic was deleted by Blitz leadership. That was an open public space, belonging to the people who participated and contributed.

That space was all of ours, everybody who got a chuckle from the posts. 6000 views? That's unprecedented...

Every King needs a Court Jester, to remind him of his mortality and his humanity. The Sith, it seems to me, attempted to fulfilled this role at the Blitz. They were a group of fools who antics we enjoy, whose advice we should heed, and whose role is playful dissent.

I bid them good fortune in their exodus. May their exile bring them to greener pastures, where they may exercise their antics without restriction.

:clown:
 

Geordie

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Ah well, Im sure they gave their reasons for deleting. Anyways, the Tournament is more than welcome here. Im looking forward to some of those kewl screenshots and Sith bragging!!!
 

The Coil

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Do you still have the screenshots somewhere?
We do, and we even toyed with reposting them, but without all the accompanying prose, they aren't as funny. And we don't want to waste the time it'd take to do it right. No matter, the Sith are endless founts of creativity, so we will just make new ones. We'd feel a little lame posting all our old screenshots at a new website, anyway...
 

The Coil

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Sith 8, Jedi 2

Once again, the Sith Spangeled banner flies high over the ruins of the Jedi temple, as Mikey's Jedi flee in panic. The rout is on - is there any hope for the Jedi???

 

The Coil

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A Quick Guide to Identifying Your Sith


Many have tried to guess which Sith they are playing, whether to gain some insight into the playing style they might face or to see if they have a prayer at winning or out of just plain curiousity. Unfortuantely, most of the guesses have been wrong. In order to aid you in figuring out who you are playing, the Sith present you with this handy guide.

1) You are playing Sith Lord McIvan if:



All your tanks get destroyed in the first 5 turns, and you have no idea what shot them.

2) You are playing Sith Lord Trollvela if:



It seems like you might have a chance for a second, but then all your vehicles get destroyed and you lose horribly.

3) You are playing Sith Lord Leto if:



Your opponent bogs a vehicle on pavement. You really know its Leto if he kills you with it anyway.


4) You are playing Sith Apprentice Coil if:



Your opponent sets a large cover arc 180 degrees the wrong way, and doesn't realize it. Another sure give away is if you are winning.
 

Mikey_PNB

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Jeepers...

I just took a look at McIvan's Blitz CM Record... 88 wins, 3 losses...

:surprise:

That seems unfathomable to me... Is he from Mars or something?

How is that even possible?
 

[hirr]Leto

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Mikey:

McIvan is the (dramatic music cue ripe with guitar and vocals from QUEEN)

HIGHZEALANDER​

"THAR CAN BE OOONLY WUN!!!"

He is actually an "Immortal" from another planet that has come here to face the universe's best CM players... and he has beheaded them all... and gained the power of true omniscience, insight and noble power.

He now fights what's left of humanity pretty much as a Bengal Tiger would play with a mouse...

Seriously though, McIvan and I joined the Blitz at the same time together over 5 years ago playing CS and then he found CM and got me hooked.

Although I am considered by some (an erroneous assumption I assure you) as one of the better CM players in the world, I have never beaten McIvan... (outside of eking out a draw or two).

HE IS THE CHOSEN ONE! THE QUISSATZ SADARACH!

HE IS THE TRUE MASTER OF THE SITH!

(you may all tremble now)

Cheers!

Leto
 

Mikey_PNB

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Brilliant Leto.

I'm thouroughly impressed with your aggrandising myth making, but am in a sort of awe of McIvan's impecable record.

I imagine him to be an 8 foot tall, muscled bound gladiator, with legs as strong as solid marble. Perhaps he performs a preliminary, pre-game "Haka", before settling down into his golden throne, and exertng his righteous kingship over the CM battlefield....
 

McIvan

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Good lord.....you'd think from that description that you had met me in person :)

Unfortunately Pete HAS met me in person and is aware that I am only 7'11".

Would everyone kindly STFU about my frigging one trick pony overrated only-against-newbies game stats.

Pete has beaten me many times, btw, just not yet in CM, but it will happen as he's far too good. I've just been the beneficiary of good luck. In Campaign Series games (West Front, East Front II and Rising Sun) Pete is a god and you challenge him at your peril.

Besides, my record in a few days will consist solely of three games recorded at WaW. The pressure will finally be off :cool:

Edited to remove additional whining
 
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[hirr]Leto

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:)LOL, the predatory kiwi, all tremble at his approach.

Did you ever see the Savage Bunny of Caerbannog in Monty Python?

This is his New Zealander cousin...

TIM:
Well, that's no ordinary kiwi!
ARTHUR:
Ohh.
TIM:
That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered wingless bird you ever set eyes on!
ROBIN:
You tit! I soiled my armour I was so scared!
TIM:
Look, that kiwi's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
GALAHAD:
Get stuffed!
TIM:
He'll do you up a treat, mate.
GALAHAD:
Oh, yeah?
ROBIN:
You mangy Scots git!
TIM:
I'm warning you!
ROBIN:
What's he do, peck at your bum?
TIM:
He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR:
Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS:
Right! Silly little bleeder. One kiwi stew comin' right up!
TIM:
Look!
[squeak]
BORS:
Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]
[clunk]
ARTHUR:
Jesus Christ!
TIM:
I warned you!
ROBIN:
I done it again!
TIM:
I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little birdie, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR:
Oh, shut up!
TIM:
Do they listen to me?
ARTHUR:
Right!
TIM:
Oh, no...



Cheers!

Leto
 
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