Dear Skulky: The ASL Advice Column

[Actionjick]

Dear Skulky,
I have been married to a wonderful woman for forty years who has always supported my ASL addiction. I was truly hooked on ASL before we met so she had a vague idea of what she was getting into. Things on the gaming front were fine until a few days ago when she suddenly lashed out with a string of profanities when I was playing online. Her Dad was a sailor so it was very descriptive!

She said she was sick of me punctuating my play with shouts of bang bang and boom boom! She said it was childish and I should act my age. I was shocked and stunned at this outburst. She said either I drop the sound effects or drop her. I love doing the battle sounds but she's a damn good cook. What can I do to save my marriage and still enjoy my silly but obviously annoying habit?

Kboomer in Cucamonga


Dear Kboomer,
This is actually not an uncommon problem and has a few tried and true solutions.

You could soundproof your gaming room or buy her a good set of headphones. Perhaps as a belated Christmas present. Something nice to find under the noel tree.

These may not be practical for you and don't address your behavior. You need to substitute your sound effects with something else.

Whip out your DVD player, I know you still have one, and buy some DVDs of the original Batman TV show. Play an episode and pause on a fight scene. When the uncontrollable urge strikes to vocalize your game just hit play. Kabam! Kablooie! Kapow!!!

How can she object to a classic of the small screen? As a backup I suggest that you learn how to cook.


Those seeking advice from Dear Skulky should know better but can post their problems here.

 

[Actionjick]

Apparently the names of three scenarios and two songs were tucked away in the letter from Kboomer and Dear Skulky's response.
Sort of, allowances must be made for artistic license.

 

[von Marwitz]

She said she was sick of me punctuating my play with shouts of bang bang and boom boom! She said it was childish and I should act my age. I was shocked and stunned at this outburst. She said either I drop the sound effects or drop her. I love doing the battle sounds but she's a damn good cook. What can I do to save my marriage and still enjoy my silly but obviously annoying habit?

Kboomer in Cucamonga

Dear Kboomer,

at times it is nature which provides the most promising solutions to the most difficult problems.
You want to secure the devotion of and appear attractive to your wife?

This is how the lyrebird does it:

So if you want to save your marriage, you should work hard on your proficiency of making the noises in a precise and realistic manner. After all, you would be irritated as well, if your ASL-opponent attempted to lead you up the garden path by claiming that the PzIVs in his OoB are actually Tigers (Despite you, being an American, are prone to believe this...). Add a little feathers and fluff to your outfit, do a little dancing on a mound of dirt which you pile up in the living-room and you should be fine.

Dr. von Marwitz

 

[Actionjick]

Dear Kboomer,

at times it is nature which provides the most promising solutions to the most difficult problems.
You want to secure the devotion of and appear attractive to your wife?

This is how the lyrebird does it:

So if you want to save your marriage, you should work hard on your proficiency of making the noises in a precise and realistic manner. After all, you would be irritated as well, if your ASL-opponent attempted to lead you up the garden path by claiming that the PzIVs in his OoB are actually Tigers (Despite you, being an American, are prone to believe this...). Add a little feathers and fluff to your outfit, do a little dancing on a mound of dirt which you pile up in the living-room and you should be fine.

Dr. von Marwitz

Excellent advice Herr Doktor!

 

[Actionjick]

Dear Skulky,

My regular ftf opponent and I both enjoy some refreshments, usually wine, while playing and recently decided to start trying to pair these refreshments with scenarios. It's quite fun and has worked well so far.

Our next scenario is Fort McGregor and we can't agree on which wine would go best with this classic. I suggested a dry white wine as it is a desert scenario. My opponent agrees that it should be a dry wine but says a dry red would be better since it is a Night scenario. We've turned to you to help resolve this dilemma.

Baffled Bachhinator in Baton Rouge


Dear Baffled,

This is an interesting question. What springs to mind immediately is that it should be a dessert wine but that is merely indulging Dear Skulky's fondness for word play as a devoted paranomasiaphile.

However not being a fan of dessert wines I would have to agree with your opponent. A nice dry dark red is the way to go. Dear Skulky's current favorite dry red is a cabernet sauvignon called Gato Negro from Chile. The local supermarket has it on sale for $5.99 for a 1.5 liter. I've always been one for the most bang for the buck, hence my love of ASL.

Dear Skulky would gladly hear others thoughts about pairing refreshments with scenarios.

Great choice for a scenario btw!

 

[von Marwitz]

Dear Skulky,

My regular ftf opponent and I both enjoy some refreshments, usually wine, while playing and recently decided to start trying to pair these refreshments with scenarios. It's quite fun and has worked well so far.

Our next scenario is Fort McGregor and we can't agree on which wine would go best with this classic. I suggested a dry white wine as it is a desert scenario. My opponent agrees that it should be a dry wine but says a dry red would be better since it is a Night scenario. We've turned to you to help resolve this dilemma.

Baffled Bachhinator in Baton Rouge

Dear Baffled Bacchinator from Baton Rouge,

as you are from Baton (sic!) Rouge, which translates to "red gnarled stick" in French, I gladly beat you to the solution.

First of all, wine is an excellent choice as a refreshment. I might relate to you the wisdom that who enjoys an ample amount of wine is considered a sommelier, while those who consume a lot of beer are considered drunkards.

With regard to the question of a white or a red vintage, let me answer with this analogy:
If a man is impelled to make a choice among two women, he naturally elects both.

As a man of tastes, the Oberst recommends a Château Latour from Bordeaux as a white and a Domaine de la Romanée-Conti from Burgundy as a red.

À votre santé!


von Marwitz

 

[L Bunny Niyori]

Heheh Kboomer in Cucamonga , she CAN be replaced eh. Not easy of course.

 

[Actionjick]

Dear Kboomer,

at times it is nature which provides the most promising solutions to the most difficult problems.
You want to secure the devotion of and appear attractive to your wife?

This is how the lyrebird does it:

So if you want to save your marriage, you should work hard on your proficiency of making the noises in a precise and realistic manner. After all, you would be irritated as well, if your ASL-opponent attempted to lead you up the garden path by claiming that the PzIVs in his OoB are actually Tigers (Despite you, being an American, are prone to believe this...). Add a little feathers and fluff to your outfit, do a little dancing on a mound of dirt which you pile up in the living-room and you should be fine.

Dr. von Marwitz

Style, simply style on all fronts! What a bird!!

 

[Actionjick]

Dear Skulky,

A most unfortunate incident occurred during a recent ftf playing of a Red Barricades campaign game at my house. My opponent rolled my SAN which resulted in my Sniper hitting his Death Star stack and he Yahtzeed the random selection. He let out a loud yell of disbelief. This outburst so startled my old kitty boy Zoltan that he jumped off the arm of my easy chair where he had been dozing right into the middle of the mapsheet!

This was not your normal FOBA though, far from it.

Zoltan is seventeen and sometimes has trouble controlling his bowels. This was such a time. A VERY runny kitty poop covered the board from Arbatovskaya Street to the northern part of Leninskii Prospekt!! My opponent was appalled! I stared at the carnage for a few seconds as Zoltan beat a hasty retreat then started to laugh. I ended up literally rolling on the floor with laughter while my opponent looked at me like I was crazy.

He started profusely apologizing saying he would pay for a new RB module and replace the ruined counters from his own set. I told him that was nonsense as I had two unopened RB modules. He keeps on insisting to replace what was ruined but I know he can't afford a new RB. What can I do to show him that his willingness to cover the damage is not necessary?

Zoltan is fine btw.

Pooped in Poughkeepsie


Dear Pooped,

It took a while to get up off of the floor myself.

Tell your friend that the memory of this unfortunate but hilarious mishap will remain in your memories far longer than any ASL you two ever played. Suggest that if he really wants to atone for this some of Zoltans favorite treats would more than suffice.

 

[Eagle4ty]

Dear Skulky,
My friend and I recently got together for FtF game wherein I took a shot with a VERY squeaky LOS from my AFV to the rear of his AFV, resulting in a Critical hit and burning his toughest AFV. Upon seeing the result, he got up and leaned across the table to double check the LOS, whereupon he let out a loud and rather unpleasant flatulent release from his posterior.

Now to give you some context: We had served together in a mechanized infantry unit and once when he had let one "fly" in the vehicle during an exercise, the entire crew had to don their protective masks and rapidly dismount the vehicle despite the situation that we were conducting an attack on a well defended position.

However, back to the crux of the current problem: With eyes burning and being rather discomforted, I immediately jumped up from the table. Unable to focus, I inadvertently caught the edge of the table and overturned the game and let loose a rather ill advised pejoritive about the situation that had just occurred. I believe this may have upset him as well as the table because he soon left my abode without exchanging pleasantries. My question to you is: How do I clear the air (both figuratively and literally)?

signed: This situation really stinks.

 

[von Marwitz]

Dear Skulky,

A most unfortunate incident occurred during a recent ftf playing of a Red Barricades campaign game at my house. My opponent rolled my SAN which resulted in my Sniper hitting his Death Star stack and he Yahtzeed the random selection. He let out a loud yell of disbelief. This outburst so startled my old kitty boy Zoltan that he jumped off the arm of my easy chair where he had been dozing right into the middle of the mapsheet!

This was not your normal FOBA though, far from it.

Zoltan is seventeen and sometimes has trouble controlling his bowels. This was such a time. A VERY runny kitty poop covered the board from Arbatovskaya Street to the northern part of Leninskii Prospekt!! My opponent was appalled! I stared at the carnage for a few seconds as Zoltan beat a hasty retreat then started to laugh. I ended up literally rolling on the floor with laughter while my opponent looked at me like I was crazy.

He started profusely apologizing saying he would pay for a new RB module and replace the ruined counters from his own set. I told him that was nonsense as I had two unopened RB modules. He keeps on insisting to replace what was ruined but I know he can't afford a new RB. What can I do to show him that his willingness to cover the damage is not necessary?

Zoltan is fine btw.

Pooped in Poughkeepsie

Dear Pooped,

survivors of both sides who fought in Stalingrad have testified, that they were in really deep sh** in that vaunted city. Thus, my advice to you is to make the best of it and take ASL to a new historical dimension. Tell you opponent to quit complaining, to get back at the table, bring his line into any semblance of order, and to fight through this shit. His commissar would have told him the same thing at the time. Time for rebuilding and cleaning up will only come after the fighting is over.

Dr. von Marwitz

 

[von Marwitz]

Dear Skulky,
My friend and I recently got together for FtF game wherein I took a shot with a VERY squeaky LOS from my AFV to the rear of his AFV, resulting in a Critical hit and burning his toughest AFV. Upon seeing the result, he got up and leaned across the table to double check the LOS, whereupon he let out a loud and rather unpleasant flatulent release from his posterior.

Now to give you some context: We had served together in a mechanized infantry unit and once when he had let one "fly" in the vehicle during an exercise, the entire crew had to don their protective masks and rapidly dismount the vehicle despite the situation that we were conducting an attack on a well defended position.

However, back to the crux of the current problem: With eyes burning and being rather discomforted, I immediately jumped up from the table. Unable to focus, I inadvertently caught the edge of the table and overturned the game and let loose a rather ill advised pejoritive about the situation that had just occurred. I believe this may have upset him as well as the table because he soon left my abode without exchanging pleasantries. My question to you is: How do I clear the air (both figuratively and literally)?

signed: This situation really stinks.

Dear nameless stinker,

what's going on here? Instead of focusing on the game, y'all complaining to Skulky...

Next time a flatulant brings you into such a dangerous situation, whip out your Zippo to bring it behind his "situation" to quickly bring the situation behind you. At best, you burnt his ar** for a good reason. At worst, the impact of the resulting detonation will not eclipse the effects of the overturned table. In both cases, you should have eradicated the offending fumes within the instant.

Dr. von Marwitz

 

[Actionjick]

Sound advice Herr Doktor.

 

[Actionjick]

Dear Skulky,
My friend and I recently got together for FtF game wherein I took a shot with a VERY squeaky LOS from my AFV to the rear of his AFV, resulting in a Critical hit and burning his toughest AFV. Upon seeing the result, he got up and leaned across the table to double check the LOS, whereupon he let out a loud and rather unpleasant flatulent release from his posterior.

Now to give you some context: We had served together in a mechanized infantry unit and once when he had let one "fly" in the vehicle during an exercise, the entire crew had to don their protective masks and rapidly dismount the vehicle despite the situation that we were conducting an attack on a well defended position.

However, back to the crux of the current problem: With eyes burning and being rather discomforted, I immediately jumped up from the table. Unable to focus, I inadvertently caught the edge of the table and overturned the game and let loose a rather ill advised pejoritive about the situation that had just occurred. I believe this may have upset him as well as the table because he soon left my abode without exchanging pleasantries. My question to you is: How do I clear the air (both figuratively and literally)?

signed: This situation really stinks.

Dear Situation,

Skulky had to give this quite a bit of thought. We appreciate Herr Doktor's advice but wish to offer some alternatives.

As you served together you can remind him of the time his emission caused the crew of an AFV to Abandon their vehicle into a hostile environment. What is the Crew Survival number in such an instance? Then say the results of his latest expulsion were far less serious. This is a rather mild solution that may work but lacks some flavor.

I suggest that you buy the loudest whoopie cushion available and some canned fart. Prior to your next scenario with him place the cushion on your chair with the canned fart within easy reach. After he is seated plop down on your chair and as the whoopie cushion does it's thing spray the fart under the table. Who knows it may just do the trick. If not there is always VASL.

 

[Old Noob]

I don't know about the CS# for an AFV's crew abandoning said AFV after a "gas attack", but I'm sure that 'Hazardous Movement' penalty
will apply!

 

[Actionjick]

I don't know about the CS# for an AFV's crew abandoning said AFV after a "gas attack", but I'm sure that 'Hazardous Movement' penalty
will apply!

At least. I wonder if wearing the gas mask should be considered?

 

[fenyan]

Dear Skulky,

A recent headline claimed that a now-defunct Cryptocurrency company had orgies, but a neighbor doubted it, saying that if there were orgies he would have heard them. He then said if you left them alone in a room with alcohol they would play boardgames. Skulky, I wonder if Advanced Squad Leader was on their dance card?

signed, I put my life savings into CowerCoin.

 

[von Marwitz]

Dear Skulky,

A recent headline claimed that a now-defunct Cryptocurrency company had orgies, but a neighbor doubted it, saying that if there were orgies he would have heard them. He then said if you left them alone in a room with alcohol they would play boardgames. Skulky, I wonder if Advanced Squad Leader was on their dance card?

signed, I put my life savings into CowerCoin.

Can't answer - partaking in an orgy is blowing my mind.

Skulky

 

[Actionjick]

Dear Skulky,

A recent headline claimed that a now-defunct Cryptocurrency company had orgies, but a neighbor doubted it, saying that if there were orgies he would have heard them. He then said if you left them alone in a room with alcohol they would play boardgames. Skulky, I wonder if Advanced Squad Leader was on their dance card?

signed, I put my life savings into CowerCoin.

Dear Cower,
I certainly hope not for the sake of their ASL kits. The mixture of cardboard, alcohol and various bodily fluids can't end well.

 

[Actionjick]

Dear Skulky,
After a recent and highly unsuccessful foray into counter clipping I am left with a rather sizable number of mutilated counters. I am loath to just throw them into the trash as my lack of manual dexterity is not their fault. Do you have a suggestion as to what would be an honorable way to deal with these unfortunate counters who had served me so well? Btw they are totally unusable for any serious scenario.

Can't Clip in Cleveland

Dear Can't Clip,
Skulky ventured briefly, very briefly, into counter clipping wwbitd. After destroying six or so counters I decided a more profitable use of my time would be scooping the litter boxes. Or even better reading the rules.

As to your counters there are a few options.

One is the Viking funeral pyre. Skulky has a story about such a sendoff for a cockroach at Machinist Mates school but I digress.
As honorable the Viking option is this is the alternative that I prefer.

Some time back a thread described decoupaging counters on a table top. I suggest you do the same and use it as your gaming table. Not only is the a fitting use for those poor counters but a reminder that some things should be left to those with dexterity, talent and patience. Olli for example.