CAUTION: long, involved and possibly insane rant ahead. Scroll with extreme caution. You have been warned.
Best war films:
The Bridge: Half a dozen teenage German soldiers c. 1945 ordered to defend a tactically worthless bridge while their older Volksturm comrades scarper, but the kids do their duty and stand their ground, because they feel they have to prove themselves. Up rolls the larger part of a US tank battalion, and after some excellent battle scenes (picture perfect uniforms and equipment, including the tanks), the director leaves you in know doubt as to the absurd obscenity of war. I saw it in the original German, but the quotable quote was from a US major, who protests, “We don’t fight against kids,†moments before he gets whacked with a Panzerfaust.
Dr. Strangelove: The ultimate war film, wherein the entire world is destroyed just because some USAF general couldn’t get it up. The funniest of films on the blackest of topics. (Watch it twice and you’ll realize it is actually all about sex, not war.) Wall-to-wall quotes that will live forever in the American lexicon, but my favorite is the SAC Commander, George C. Scott (standing in his underwear), when upon learning over the phone from his staff that an impotent base commander has ordered his wing of B-52’s onto their attack runs inside Russia and a nuclear war is almost certain, says matter-of-factly, “Well, I’ll tellya whacha do ol’ buddy [a loud THWACK as he slaps his pendulous belly pensively]; you better give ol’Charlie and Elmo a blast, bump everything up to Condition Red, and stand by to blow her; I’ll get back to ya.†If you are not peeing in your pants with laughter by this time in the film, you are not human.
- Kelly’s Heroes: Fun from beginning to end, and likely a more accurate portrayal of the moral and motivations of the common US dogface soldier in WWII than any teary-eyed tales spun by Stephen Ambrose or Steven Spielberg. Telly Salvalas as the tough, gritty sergeant (an hard-edged 9-1, if ever I saw one) whose number one priority is the well-being of his soldiers (i.e. plenty of women and booze); Don Rickles as the scheming black marketeer supply sergeant, complaining incessantly; Donald Sutherland as the spaced-out Sherman commander, whose number one priority is to avoid combat unless there are plenty of “positive waves†around; and Clint Eastwood as the steely former LT, who gets to stare down a German Tiger tank in a scene that would have made Sergio Leone proud. Best quote: Oddball (Donald Sutherland) when confronted by the news that he must face three Tiger tanks with his one lone Sherman, says, “The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to let them SHOOT HOLES IN ME!†(BTW: best mock-up of a PzKW IVa I have ever seen in a film before Saving Private Ryan.)
- Stalingrad: Accurate, compelling, plenty of action, but DEE-pressing in the end. It still gets a lot of airplay each year on German TV. The early battle scenes are right out of Red Barricades (or vice-versa, if you know what I mean.)
- Das Boot: The recently remastered DVD is wonderful, but I highly recommend getting your hands on the original Bavarian TV miniseries from which the cinema release was cut. I have seen it only in German shops, and they are not remastered into 5.1 channel sound or anything like that, but you get so much more character development and I am certain it will be released in the States sometime, given the popularity of the film and other WWII items. The TV version is up there with Band of Brothers as a gripping, hyper-realistic miniseries, and very loyal to the original book.
- Breaker Morant: I can’t think of another film that has even hinted at covering the Boer War (c.1900), but this one is painfully accurate. A bunch of Australians are let loose upon the South African veldt to hunt down boer commandos only to be betrayed, tried and condemned in the end by their own pommy bastard commanders. Streuth, what’a cracka’….
- Gallipoli: A heart-wrencher of a WWI saga about two Australian friends who volunteer in 1914 for King and Empire to fight against the Germans, only to find themselves dumped on the rocky shores of Gallipoli under withering Turkish machine gun fire, getting screwed over by the same sort of pommy bastard officers. A very young Mel Gibson stars. Again, if you are not sobbing your eyes out by the end of the film (when the Aussies storm out of their trenches into certain death, led by their officer who wouldn’t let them die alone), then you are not human.
- Charge of the Light Brigade: Not the crappy old Erol Flynn monstrosity, but the c. 1970 version with Ralph Gielgud. Pig-headed Victorian military incompetence at its best, as the flower of British manhood is annihilated by Russian canon because Lord Cardigan sent the Light Brigade up the wrong valley at the Battle of Balaclava in the Crimean War. Wonderful uniforms, perfect historical characterizations, and very accurate as to how the 17th Lancers and 11th Hussars met their bloody, poetic end at the point of Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s quill nib.
- Ran: Alright, before any of you read any further, drop down on your unworthy knees and thank your version of the Creator for the fact that you happened to have been born within 100 years of the life of the Japanese director Akira Kurosawa. Ran is a masterly rendition of King Lear, set in medieval feudal Japan and the time of the samurai, and has the best battle scenes you will see outside, well, a Kurosawa film. Every man amongst the thousands of extras has the air of a disciplined warrior who has lived for this moment to die for his chosen master, with honor if not glory. All that is left in the end is a blind man, teetering on the edge of a precipice, representative of all mankind at the mercy of war. (Note: Kurosawa = God)
- Cross of Iron: Great battle scenes, in-depth characters, gripping plot, real T-34/85s, and a grizzled, war-weary James Coburn as the German NCO named Steiner, carrying around PPS instead of an MP-40. Way cool. Sam Peckinpah’s original version of this film was deemed so violent that the movie censors back in the 1970s insisted on giving it an “X†rating (this was before the days of the artful “NC-17†rating), so the poor guy had to cut it down in order to make some money. I have often wondered whether they’ll ever release the “director’s cut†and let us see the original. However, if it is any more disturbing than seeing that jerk Nazi’s schwanstucker being bitten off by a female Russian soldier, then perhaps I could give it a miss. And I second the motion as to why there is no 10-3 German leader named “Steinerâ€â€”or no 6+1 named “Stranskyâ€â€”in the ASL counter mix.
- Full Metal Jacket: Stanley Kubrick at his military best. Lee Emory is THE Marine Drill Instructor, spewing out the most vituperative, non-stop stream of degrading obscenities at his privates, driving them to the brink of insanity. One of the most popular films for those of us in the military. I would try for a quote here, but there are probably children reading these posts.
- Zulu Dawn: A much more accurate, and dare I say, “mature†prequel to the Stanley Baker’s “Zulu†when it comes to historical accuracy. Once again, Victorian military hubris comes to the fore and the British squaddy is yet again on the wrong end of the latest bungle from high command, and they are butchered by the thousand. The main difference between the two films? Having spent many a year in the field, there is no way on earth anyone can keep a pristine white topical helmet so clean and perfect, like in Zulu. At least in Zulu Dawn they were stained a suitable brown, with dirt, coffee grinds, manure, etc. Quote of the film: the British light horse officer near Islandlwana, when presented with the panoramic view of a valley below him seething with tens of thousands of Zulu warriors, all streaming towards him, saying to an orderly, “Kindly inform Lord Chelmsford that we’ve found what he is looking for.â€
- Paths of Glory: (There is a Kubrick theme in this rant, isn’t there?) Kirk Douglas is a valiant WWI French colonel who follows orders and leads his men over the top and into disaster. The withering German fire drives them back, but the only thing waiting for them is unit-wide court martial led by a maniacal general bent on making an example of them all for their “cowardiceâ€. A courtroom drama in the end, much like Breaker Morant, but still a great war flick.
Worst Films:
Enemy at the Gates (Stalingrad): Woof! What a stinker! Let’s take a third-rate love story and wrap it around the appalling carnage that is the Battle of Stalingrad and market it as the feel-good-movie-of-the-summer. I feel nauseous...
Apocalypse Now - Redux: I loved the original film, one of the best ever, but you can easily see why Copolla left those deleted scenes on the cutting room floor. The French plantation scene is cool, but who freekin’ cares about some story about some guy shooting an ARVN officer because he stole his Playboy? And what is the point of the finding the Playmates again up river? I suppose Copolla needed the money...
Pearl Harbor: Don’t get me started. Only Disney could spend $100 million on special effects, wrap it around a $5,000 script, and still try to pass the resulting disaster off as an accurate historical docu-drama. Titanic (another budget buster) was crap as a story, but at least it was historically accurate.
But I refuse to close this rant without insisting on another category. “Best†and “worst†are so limiting as categories, so how about “All those cool films you loved when you were a kid, but are now embarrassed to say you like, even though you bought special edition director’s cut DVD bonus pack, which you keep hidden in a trunk when you have company over.†Well, he said excitedly, licking his pencil:
- A Bridge Too Far: Beleaguered British paratroopers in 1944 Holland, fending off panzers with little more than dismissive scorn. Wall to wall stars, Robert Redford leading a suicidal river crossing, and real German actors playing real German generals speaking real German. I loved it! It was the main reason I bought the original Squad Leader in 1979 (for the absurd price of $14.95!) I couldn’t wait for the British module to come out. Now we have a whole historical module tied around the disaster at the bridge! I can die a happy man...even though the film was crap in the end.
- The Dirty Dozen: Lee Marvin at his best, where he didn’t have to worry about the Germans, but his own men, a who’s-who of tough guys: Charles Bronson, Telly Salvalas, Errol What’s-his-name, Donald Sutherland, etc. Nothing but machinegun fire, a two-dimensional script, and lots of dead Nazis. Way cool.
- The Green Berets: Because Vietnam was such a tragedy for all concerned, this is possibly the funniest movie ever made. The coolest of war flicks, but completely devolved from reality. What was John Wayne thinking? I loved it when, while giving instructions to his men, he gestures and points the muzzle of his loaded M16 nonchalantly at everyone’s faces. Try that in Iraq today and you’d get a butt stroke to the head on general principles. Best part of the flick: When the DC-3 gunship opens fire on the enemy-occupied camp and cuts all them dirty communist heathen in half. (Note: the only reason Lee Marvin starred in the Dirty Dozen was because John Wayne has already agreed to direct and star in the Green Berets. Think for a moment if their roles had been reversed. I solemnly believe that America would be a very different country today.) Quote of the film: Bulldog 6’s tough sergeant-major, when asked how many .50-cal machine guns they had on hand, says, “Hell, I’d give up a ticket home just for the smell of a fifty.†We still use the M2 today in Iraq and Afghanistan, and I can speak from personal experience that the 8-16 ROF 3 for the “ma-deuce†is well deserved and very much historically accurate.
- Where Eagles Dare: A first-person shooter film, forty years before its time. Richard Burton plays the perfect British commando officer, going behind enemy lines to sort out a spy mess back home, and winds up in an hour-long firefight with the entire Gebirgsjaegerkorps. Clint Eastwood plays the icy cold US Army Ranger who goes around shooting and/or blowing up hapless Nazi soldiers inside the modern equivalent of Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Quote of the film: I still have dreams where Richard Burton is yelling desperately into a radio circuit: “Broadsword calling Danny Boy! Broadsword calling Danny Boy!â€
- Is Paris Burning?: A personal favorite since having to watch it for my high school French class. Anthony Perkins as a US soldier helping to liberate Paris in August 1944, stumbling around with his rifle pointing everywhere except towards the enemy, saying things like, “Hey, isn’t that the Eiffel Tower over there?†much to the disgust of the French partisan leader who is trying to lead him towards the German headquarters. Tank sighting: probably the only war flick ever made with original PzKw V Panthers. (France used all the captured Panthers she could find in her own armed forces until the mid-fifties, when the film was made. No frogs were hurt during the making of this film.)
- The Longest Day: Quick! Name an actor who did NOT appear in The Longest Day. Stumped so quickly? Here’s an even better question: which actor appeared in both the Longest Day AND the other Cornelius Ryan-inspired war movie, A Bridge Too Far? The best quote of the film: John Wayne, the 82nd Airborne regimental commander, after the medic tells him he just broke his ankle on the drop, says, “Well, put the boot back on…and lace it up! Tight!†Gotta love the Duke.
- The Sands of Iwo Jima: Speaking of the Duke, who can’t sit back and laugh in utter amazement as a six-foot-two tall American can lumber a hundred meters slowly through withering Japanese machinegun fire, only to toss a demolition charge perfectly into a Japanese bunker? Dice roll anybody?
- Combat! (the original TV series) One question: Why did Vic Morrow get to wear that cool Marine helmet all the time?
- Castle Keep: Burt Lancaster playing a one-eyed US Army major on a .50-cal mowing down countless German soldiers trying to storm across a castle moat using captured French hook-and-ladder fire trucks. What’s not to love about that?
- Hell is For Heroes: Steve McQueen as the loner US Army soldier, recently busted from Master sergeant to private, helps keep the rest of his dysfunctional squad alive in the face of overwhelming Nazi opposition. Highlight of the film: a cameo by a very young Bob Newhart doing one of his hilarious one-sided phone conversation bits, trying to trick the eavesdropping Germans into thinkin they are facing a whole battalion of GIs. “No, General, sir, we don’t need any more guys up here. We already have five men per foxhole, and any more would just be embarrassing.â€
(This rant was brought to you by Duvel Blonde beer, the choice of the discriminating Belgian-based ASL grongard.)